Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy