Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
