Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.