Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
This story is comedy gold 😂
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Have a lovely day 😊