Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The United Steaks of America
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
