Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
spot the difference
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
