Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Cheer up.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I would like even faster food.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
