Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

They must have gotten it to go.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.