Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

These work great until they don’t.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.