Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
You are what you delete.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
Mad Max: Furry Road
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Dance like you’re not the father
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.