Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
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All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
This 4th of July, please remember…
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.