Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
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Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.