Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW