“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.