“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.