“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”