Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
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coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?