Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
This hospital has everything
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
do horses think humans are hats
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants