Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

Spring of Deception

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*