Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.