Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
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IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”