Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger