Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
You Might Also Like
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.