I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Try and stop me.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
OH. COME. ON.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…