Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

a god among men

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Birds & Planes.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

my first dose meeting my second

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.