Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.