Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!