Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

I have taken up painting

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊