Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room