@TheTweetOfGod

Today is National Girlfriend’s Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar’s just not ready for that kind of commitment.

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@AnOrangeSNES

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

@SteveKoehler22

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

@Parker_Simpson

wonder if ppl who watch the show Finding Bigfoot are aware that every episode they watch will end with them not finding Bigfoot…

@That1chk

Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to shit.

@UnFitz

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

@eeethanford

*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Hello 911?
Please send all your ambulances

@KimmyMonte

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

@LuvPug

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger