owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
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The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.