Today is National Girlfriend’s Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar’s just not ready for that kind of commitment.

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Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one


When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.


wonder if ppl who watch the show Finding Bigfoot are aware that every episode they watch will end with them not finding Bigfoot…


Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to shit.


*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*


*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Hello 911?
Please send all your ambulances


Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.


If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger