Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
road rage
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I’m Sold!
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.