Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
monday
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.