Today is “National Working Naked Day.” If you work near heavy machinery or with children, I suggest that you don’t participate.
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WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
craving $300 all of a sudden
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.