Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

Breaking news:

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

Jogging has never helped my memory.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*