Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

Uh oh 👀

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

thinking about this

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.