Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel