Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
thinking about a very short hotdog
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
