Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
