Today is the anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster: the biggest explosion of hot air before the Internet.

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I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”


[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.


My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back


“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.


“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”



HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please


The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog’s ass.


sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.

whos laughing now?