@ozzyunc

Today is the anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster: the biggest explosion of hot air before the Internet.

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@Angibangie

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

@Spaziotwat

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

@rickygervais

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

@Contwixt

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

@ArfMeasures

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

@AristotlesNZ

The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog’s ass.

@amazymay72x

sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.

whos laughing now?