I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Today is the anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster: the biggest explosion of hot air before the Internet.
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[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog’s ass.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.
whos laughing now?