There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
You Might Also Like
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Finally!
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.