Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Thank heavens for community notes
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line