Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD