Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I missed you with all my darts
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass