Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.