Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.