Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.