Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.