Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
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“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Inside you there are two wolves
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.