Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.