Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
You Might Also Like
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t