Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
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[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
This will never not be funny 😭
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Is….Is this an option?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes