Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
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ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.