Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help