Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
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peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I bet
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?