Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

#Caturday

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”