Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
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BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.