Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
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taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.