Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
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*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow