Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I am all good here, 😂😉
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.