Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”