Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
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I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Blew out my flip flop…
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on