Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

Seems legit

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..