Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-