Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?