Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
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“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.