Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
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I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.