Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Fries, not lies.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed