Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.