Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!