Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.