Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license