Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
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If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.