Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
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The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
i love meeting boys on tinder
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back